He chose me for my sadness, he told me; the challenge of it, of replacing the dead weight with life, my pallor with English rose. I know a project when I see one, he said, appraising my rib-caged flesh, my hollow eyes. With each button opening, a mans desire. When he was done, I was sure I had counted each ceiling tile twice, compartmentalised each shade of white and grey, the slight mould of green in the left corner, the opal spider’s web on the right, the light flicker. My leaden legs shaking slightly with the weight of him; his breath in my ear. I wanted to slice him, groin to neck, and back again. But I soothed myself, my girly wiles, count to ten, then back again, Just remember to smile.
‘And in the end in wonderland we both went mad.’- T.S
It was that cheshire cat smile that did it
I was half in love, half afraid, I saw you through the looking glass
I would look at you like you were my favourite magic trick, a coin behind my ear, a tale on your tongue, how you held me close and licked your lips
We’re all mad here, you would say, your eyes crazed, a match between your sharpened teeth,
You could set yourself on fire and laugh, I am sure of it
But I was always too scared to tell you,
that I had seen madness,
but only in a boy from Pennsylvania
who didn’t know how to love me.
The August heat came with love and chance
A melodic butterfly gasoir dance
And stolen kisses underneath that old tree
The sapling brought from Italy
The one which grew up with me.
Ah, this old, crooked, strange tree
My mother loved to tell this story
how it could live for thousands of years
but would only ever bear fruit once.
What a gift it would be, in this lifetime
How wonderful, if the universe, aligned
In chance, in beauty, in laughter.
And like a bumblebee to lavender
That Summer the fruit came and so did you, to me
Your mouth on my mouth under the Italian tree
Orange fruit, sweet, and we
Two love birds perched underneath.
You told me the love story of how your mother and father met. They were young. They loved and left. Three years later they found each other again, somehow, by chance. Love returned. I loved this story. I guess, I thought, if I waited long enough you would come back to me too. We would have that epic love story that was always on the precipice, on the tips of our tongues, in the way you would look at me, in the way I would look at you. But the years passed, in seasons, in ups and downs, as life always does, and we did cross paths, lives, even bodies; I let you into my home, my bed. But you were a visitor and you never quite returned to me. You were older now, ambitious, but still the same to me. I was older now too, you said, all grown up, 25. It’s funny. But in my mind I was still 22, right there where you left, like a child I stood, just waiting for you to come back home.
That little room with bright yellow walls
How we laughed our way through the winter and summer
I hope yellow paint will always remind you
of my sunshine smile
My outdoor inside voice
My head on your chest
I hope you look back and think of that year together as magic
a time where you felt true happiness
I hope you meet another girl with a wild soul too
I hope you will be kind when she finds you.
-Yellow is the brightest color of the visible spectrum, and it is the most noticeable of all colors by the human eye. It means happiness and optimism; it is the color of sun shining, or bright light and creativity. … It is the color of high energy, enthusiasm, hope, fun, and cheerfulness.
I didn’t write for a whole year Because I was so happy
La la la In pretty dresses
My Sunday best
Your arms wrapped around me like a fuzzy cocoon
I didn’t want to wake up.
I wrap myself in blankets now
I traded dresses for trousers
I don’t wear much makeup anymore
I am starting to think it was all for you
Perhaps it’s all just a transaction in the end
But maybe now
I will make my own cocoon
And I will stop waking up at 3am
wondering how a pillow replaced your chest.
My life with you was a rollercoaster ride
I did not want to get off
I was used to the rise and fall in my tummy
Used to the chaos you brought
Used to the mess you left
There were nights when I was tucked into him
peaceful, quiet, safe,
Where I longed for your fast paced kiss.