Dysphoria

He chose me for my sadness, he told me; the challenge of it, of replacing the dead weight with life, my pallor with English rose. I know a project when I see one, he said, appraising my rib-caged flesh, my hollow eyes.  With each button opening, a mans desire. When he was done, I was sure I had counted each ceiling tile twice, compartmentalised each shade of white and grey, the slight mould of green in the left corner, the opal spider’s web on the right, the light flicker. My leaden legs shaking slightly with the weight of him; his breath in my ear. I wanted to slice him, groin to neck, and back again. But I soothed myself, my girly wiles, count to ten, then back again, Just remember to smile. 

We Found Wonderland

‘And in the end in wonderland we both went mad.’- T.S

It was that cheshire cat smile that did it

I was half in love, half afraid, I saw you through the looking glass

I would look at you like you were my favourite magic trick, a coin behind my ear, a tale on your tongue, how you held me close and licked your lips

We’re all mad here, you would say, your eyes crazed, a match between your sharpened teeth,

You could set yourself on fire and laugh, I am sure of it

But I was always too scared to tell you,

that I had seen madness,

but only in a boy from Pennsylvania

who didn’t know how to love me.

The Italian Tree

The August heat came with love and chance

A melodic butterfly gasoir dance

And stolen kisses underneath that old tree

The sapling brought from Italy

The one which grew up with me.

Ah, this old, crooked, strange tree 

My mother loved to tell this story

how it could live for thousands of years

but would only ever bear fruit once.

What a gift it would be, in this lifetime

How wonderful, if the universe, aligned 

In chance, in beauty, in laughter.

And like a bumblebee to lavender

That Summer the fruit came and so did you, to me

Your mouth on my mouth under the Italian tree

Orange fruit, sweet, and we

Two love birds perched underneath.

Three Years

You told me the love story of how your mother and father met. They were young. They loved and left. Three years later they found each other again, somehow, by chance. Love returned. I loved this story. I guess, I thought, if I waited long enough you would come back to me too. We would have that epic love story that was always on the precipice, on the tips of our tongues, in the way you would look at me, in the way I would look at you. But the years passed, in seasons, in ups and downs, as life always does, and we did cross paths, lives, even bodies; I let you into my home, my bed. But you were a visitor and you never quite returned to me. You were older now, ambitious, but still the same to me. I was older now too, you said, all grown up, 25. It’s funny. But in my mind I was still 22, right there where you left, like a child I stood, just waiting for you to come back home. 

Yellow Hope

That little room with bright yellow walls

How we laughed our way through the winter and summer

 

I hope yellow paint will always remind you

of my sunshine smile

My outdoor inside voice

My head on your chest

I hope you look back and think of that year together as magic

a time where you felt true happiness

 

I hope you meet another girl with a wild soul too

I hope you will be kind when she finds you.

 

-Yellow is the brightest color of the visible spectrum, and it is the most noticeable of all colors by the human eye. It means happiness and optimism; it is the color of sun shining, or bright light and creativity. … It is the color of high energy, enthusiasm, hope, fun, and cheerfulness.

With Him

With you,

 

I didn’t write for a whole year Because I was so happy 

La la la In pretty dresses

My Sunday best

Your arms wrapped around me like a fuzzy cocoon

I didn’t want to wake up.

 

I wrap myself in blankets now

I traded dresses for trousers

I don’t wear much makeup anymore

I am starting to think it was all for you

 

Perhaps it’s all just a transaction in the end

 

But maybe now 

I will make my own cocoon 

And I will stop waking up at 3am  

wondering how a pillow replaced your chest.

 

Rollercoaster Love

My life with you was a rollercoaster ride

I did not want to get off

I was used to the rise and fall in my tummy

Used to the chaos you brought

Used to the mess you left

 

There were nights when I was tucked into him

peaceful, quiet, safe,

Where I longed for your fast paced kiss.