I didn’t write for a whole year
Because I was so happy,
La la la
In pretty dresses,
My Sunday best,
Your arms warm
wrapped around me like a
I didn’t want to wake up.
I wrap myself in blankets now,
I traded dresses for trousers,
I don’t wear much makeup anymore;
I am starting to think it was all for you.
Maybe it was,
Perhaps it’s all just a transaction in the end.
Perhaps now I’ll make my own cocoon
I will stop waking up at 3am, wondering how a pillow replaced your chest.
It’s always hard when someone is in love with the idea of you
Like One false move
One wrong step
And your porcelain image will shatter in front of them,
Cracks will appear
To reveal your weaknesses and your downfalls and your past mistakes
And you will no longer be this out of reach
You are real and raw and you shit and you cry
And you are so imperfect
So backwards in your flawlessness
It’s the artificial parts of you that they bloodlust after
Not the thoughts, emotions and feelings that overwhelm
It scares them that a pretty little thing can feel so much
Of course, they run away
As fast as they can
With the hope that cracks do not appear
in the next porcelain beauty.
Distance came to me a year later,
Tall and handsome,
he had not changed.
But, You haven’t known Distance.
Not until he says hello,
and you can’t recognise his voice anymore
Until he hugs you
and his arms
Until you breathe him in
but his scent has been
I was certain I only knew Distance
once you were no longer familiar
But two years later,
Distance came again,
I welcomed him back
like an old friend.
My willow tree/
All bark and brown and
Suddenly changes/ the weather tugs
At milk clouds/birds disperse/
A storm ahead/ humid grey and orange streaks
The rain almost disbands in on itself/ Then
A thousand tiny drop-
see what happens next/
The sky said to the willow tree,
As the sun tickled my neck to say hello
And ‘don’t forget about me’/
the sky a purple florid
a pop of white/
I welcomed the milky way /that night
in willow tree dreams
You see that I don’t look so good in yellow, like your other dolls they do.
Yellow daffodils that matched her dress
The sun in her eyes as she lay down to rest,
She waited and waited for him to arrive
But the day it grew cold
As she opened her eyes,
Where are you? She wondered
Heartbeat in mouth,
The sun it was going
Tears they fell down
Creases in dress as she whispered his name,
It was spring when he left
And spring when he came.
I went to the Irish countryside
to get away from you
To breathe the clearer air in
To breathe you out for good.
Myself, ah, I found myself again!
I found Laughter
a cabin in the woods.
Ireland made me a home,
Because I was never home
In Rathdrum, County Wicklow
A little farm
away from you,
You far away from me.
How refreshing to wake up to birdsong
instead of your mother tongue,
When you would drown me in water kisses.
How you would laugh
as I held my breath
Let me go let me go
let me leave.
You reminded me of a Monday morning cigarette break.
That between awake and asleep
the day away,
With my rolled-up heart
Charred around the edges
for the blackness
That came with your presence.
Your kiss with its darkness
And your charcoal throat
The same warmth
that arrived with a raspy inhalation
of smoke through nose to chest,
My tar lungs and cigarette breath.
Burnt out amber
Of orange and black
Sparks against pavement,
The miniature fireworks
Under my fake Laboutin shoe.
You were my
Narcotic, Insomniac Addiction
Darling, Come Monday morning,
I thought of you.