With You

With you,

I didn’t write for a whole year

Because I was so happy,

La la la

In pretty dresses,

My Sunday best,

Your arms warm

wrapped around me like a

fuzzy cocoon,

I didn’t want to wake up.

 

I wrap myself in blankets now,

I traded dresses for trousers,

I don’t wear much makeup anymore;

I am starting to think it was all for you.

Maybe it was,

Perhaps it’s all just a transaction in the end.

 

Perhaps  now I’ll make my own cocoon

And

I will stop waking up at 3am,  wondering how a pillow replaced your chest.

Porcelain Beauty

It’s always hard when someone is in love with the idea of you

Like One false move

One wrong step

And your porcelain image will shatter in front of them,

Cracks will appear

To reveal your weaknesses and your downfalls and your past mistakes

And you will no longer be this out of reach

human

beauty

porn-star.

You are real and raw and you shit and you cry

And you are so imperfect

So wayward

So backwards in your flawlessness

It’s the artificial parts of you that they bloodlust after

Not the thoughts, emotions and feelings that overwhelm

you

It scares them that a pretty little thing can feel so much

And so

Of course, they run away

As fast as they can

With the hope that cracks do not appear

in the next porcelain beauty.

Distance

 

Distance came to me a year later,

Tall and handsome,

he had not changed.

 

But, You haven’t known Distance.

Not until he says hello,

and you can’t recognise his voice anymore

 

Until he hugs you

and his arms

feel foreign,

 

Until you breathe him in

but his scent has been

forgotten.

 

I was certain I only knew Distance

once you were no longer familiar

to me.

 

But two years later,

Distance came again,

and

I welcomed him back

like an old friend.

 

 

Willow Tree Dreams

My willow tree/
dream
All bark and brown and
leafy green/
Suddenly changes/ the weather tugs
At milk clouds/birds disperse/
A storm ahead/ humid grey and orange streaks
The rain almost disbands in on itself/ Then
An explosion/
A thousand tiny drop-
lets
see what happens next/
The sky said to the willow tree,
As the sun tickled my neck to say hello
And ‘don’t forget about me’/
the sky a purple florid
Then dusk
a pop of white/
I welcomed the milky way /that night
in willow tree dreams

Yellow Daffodils

You see that I don’t look so good in yellow, like your other dolls they do.

🌼

Yellow daffodils that matched her dress

The sun in her eyes as she lay down to rest,

She waited and waited for him to arrive

But the day it grew cold

As she opened her eyes,

Where are you? She wondered

Heartbeat in mouth,

The sun it was going

Tears they fell down

Creases in dress as she whispered his name,

It was spring when he left

And spring when he came.

 

Away

I went to the Irish countryside

to get away from you

To breathe the clearer air in

To breathe you out for good.

Myself, ah, I found myself again!

 

I found Laughter

a cabin in the woods.

Thank goodness

Ireland made me a home,

Because I was never home

with you.

 

In Rathdrum, County Wicklow

mountains, streams,

and forestry,

A little farm

away from you,

You far away from me.

 

How refreshing to wake up to birdsong

instead of your mother tongue,

When you would drown me in water kisses.

How you would laugh

as I held my breath 

counting, 1,2,3

 

screaming

internally

1,2,3

Let me go let me go 

let me leave.

Monday Mornings

You reminded me of a Monday morning cigarette break.

That between awake and asleep

Feeling,

Wishing

the day away,

With my rolled-up heart

Charred around the edges

lusting

for the blackness

That came with your presence.

Your kiss with its darkness

And your charcoal throat

The same warmth

that arrived with a raspy inhalation

of smoke through nose to chest,

My tar lungs and cigarette breath.

Burnt out amber

Of orange and black

Sparks against pavement,

The miniature fireworks

Under my fake Laboutin shoe.

You were my

Narcotic, Insomniac Addiction

Darling, Come Monday morning,

I thought of you.

Folded

“Am I still your favourite person?”

I asked, eyes wide,

Arms wrapped behind my back like folded

Linen laundry,

Egyptian cotton.

Can you unfold me and

tug at the frayed  edges until we forget they existed,

Kiss me clean.

“Am I still your favourite person?” I ask,

Or just forgotten

dirty

laundry.

Fight for Us

I always thought we’d find our way back together, somehow, sometime, someplace.                                                                                    And we did. But we were older and we had changed.

You had made me cold.

You left. You were always good at walking away.

You did not look back this time.

You should have told me that you wanted to fight.

NIC[ountry]

 

NIC- newly industrialised person

 

And the word boyfriend sounded foreign to me

As if it should be spoken from another girl’s lips.

When I did say it, it was through a gravel mouth

as though I was cursing your half smile and rough hands

that furrowed brow, how everything was a thought process to you. (Love cannot and should not be analysed, databased or calculated).

And as though I had not heard from you in one hundred years,

I Extricated Myself.

Your ice eyes and my tense body

parts

How quickly

something falls together

Is not how quickly it will fall apart.

Distance can drown your lungs as every gasp of air is filled with someone else’s laugh

maNIC

DNA

That water laugh

all light and salt,

Dead-ly.

End-ed.