Spoken word Poem.
I think if you were a better man you could have loved me better, but maybe we were just the worst thing that could have happened to each other.
I knew our millennial love was over in dust, when we started to talk about us in the past tense, and face away from each other when undressing and in bed, when we both pretended to be asleep, You couldn’t hold eye contact when we made love but yours were no longer the arms I would run to if our house, our life, our world was burning down, my annoying habits were no longer endearing and you hated the sound of my laugh, how irritating you were to me too, the relief when I kept thinking thank fuck we didn’t get married or get that joint bank account or have that baby we talked about when we were young and had less frown lines when life felt light the way only two people who are in love can feel it, I wonder how we got here, if it was me or you, but I hate the way you shout at me, at nothing sometimes, you are not handsome to me anymore, just unkind, stagnant, I don’t think I am as beautiful as when you met me, as when you loved me, I think that it is ok to age I think it is ok to walk away from love I think it is brave to look at someone and say, I no longer love you, need you, want you, I think it is ok to grieve but remembering grief always makes the other person seem better than what they were, like a saint on a pedestal with a light shining on them from above, fuck, I hope you find someone unlike me, I hope she is polar opposite even, and brings the light back into your eyes, the smile back to your lips, I hope you test the waters before you spend the rest of your life with someone else, I hope love find you when you aren’t looking and I hope the next one lasts, I hope the next one lasts.
Laughter is everything in a relationship.
When the clapping stops and the theatre is quiet, isn’t it time to leave?
The secrets of us were tucked between my ribs
With writings of love and loss and
inklings of passion, betrayal
The story of a goddess and a sailor boy
her palm pressed against the milky moon
How she tried to keep him close with incantations
But always knew he belonged to the waves of the sea
and there was no keeping him from it
The goddess was seasick but the sailor was free.
I bought myself flowers through sadness
Or sadness through flowers, I could not tell
but with the hope that their blooms would lift lift lift me up away from the dirt the rot the human disappointment.
I often dream of those spring walks with you when I would pluck flowers from the ground, sprinkling earth from its roots, velvet petals against my nose, my cheeks,
but my nails would dig into their stems, your flesh, as I clung to you both,
Always there with a smile and a no.
The wild girls run
With Hellhound hearts
and pretty boys who did not stand a chance
and mistakes they held like trophies
All the things you’d say to make them stay
The come-to-bed eyes, the bottles of gin, used matches
an Intoxication anomaly but
There is fire in you yet, your mother said,
Do you remember? That guilt you never wore again.
I would burrow my head in your chest
and hibernate through all seasons
You loved me with strong warm arms
and When I was sad you would
hold my chin between finger and thumb
You would stroke my hair
How you would tell me to stop being silly,
How I felt sick to the stomach
how you felt more like a father than a lover to me,
in the end.
I was home with you but I wanted to run away,
I know little girls grow into women,
But you kept saying,
Stay, stay, stay.
Distance came to me a year later,
Tall and handsome,
he had not changed.
But, You haven’t known Distance.
Not until he says hello,
and you can’t recognise his voice anymore
Until he hugs you
and his arms
Until you breathe him in
but his scent has been
I was certain I only knew Distance
once you were no longer familiar
But two years later,
Distance came again,
I welcomed him back
like an old friend.